


boys like them

by el_amar



Series: boys like us [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Defending the Universe is a bit Much sometimes, Eventual Romance, Expressing Your Gender Is Difficult Sometimes, Fluff, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, Lance (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Light Angst, M/M, Masculinity Can Be Confusing, Sensory Overload, Trans Keith (Voltron), Trans Male Character, why isn't there a tag for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-06-24 00:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/el_amar/pseuds/el_amar
Summary: The one where Keith tries to redefine masculinity for himself, Lance doesn't get enough sleep and they're very supportive of each other(Can be read as standalone)





	1. they

**Author's Note:**

> a month without uploading they come back with a fic
> 
> this is the final part buckle up, chirren

Whenever Lance came out to someone as bi, a common thing people said was that it was alright; that to them he was still the same.  
At first Lance was incredibly relieved, most of his coming outs went much better than he had expected. Over time, however, he discovered that it did change things, in different ways. Some of his straight male friends suddenly behaved awkwardly around him in the locker room, or started making jokes to cope with how uncomfortable the situation made them. When Lance came out to his family, his mother said it too, that it didn't change anything, and while Lance knows she always has and always will love him, he still felt that his coming out created a gap between them he never seemed to be able to bridge. 

It wasn't always like that, of course. Hunk didn't change his behaviour at all, and supported Lance as best as he could. Lance's siblings were very encouraging, and accepting, and overall Lance can say that he got pretty lucky.

When he and Keith came out to each other, it changed things in the best way possible. Suddenly there was someone aboard the Castle of Lions that Lance could talk to about these issues, someone who'd had similar experiences, who just got it. It came as such a relief. As much as Hunk tried and supported Lance, this was different. 

In the weeks since then, he and Keith have grown closer. The unexpected side effect of discovering this shared life experience, was that the two began supporting each other in all sorts of ways. Keith began opening up about his past, and allowed Lance to be there and comfort him, unable to change what has already happened, but eager to listen and show his support now. Lance on the other hand lets Keith help him with his homesickness. Where he used to become closed off, angry, or simply withdrawn, he now goes to Keith, more often than not and lets himself be comforted. Their rivalry hasn't changed. Keith is still quiet, hot headed at times, awkward at others, and infuriatingly good at everything, and Lance, well, he's still himself. But he can't shake the feeling that they're changing each other for the better, even just a little bit.

The downside of discovering that your crush likes guys, is that you're constantly breaking your own heart by holding on to a last bit of hope, when you're certain they don't like you back. 

Lance knows that lately Keith has been struggling with his identity. They've talked a little about Keith's experiences as a trans guy, and how he finds it difficult to express his gender with anything other than hyper masculinity. Even when Keith assures him he's okay, Lance can tell it's weighing on his mind. He catches Keith watching the other guys on the team, sometimes mirroring a posture or a gesture. He catches Keith watching him, when Lance does something that could be considered traditionally more "girly". He doesn't push it, even if he thinks that Keith spends way too much time in his own head.

Keith never brings it up again, and Lance can feel him pulling away. The way Keith is more quiet than usual and barely responds to Lance's banter, is making his stomach twist unpleasantly. In the end he figures that perhaps Keith could do with a little push after all.

"Hey, man," he smiles, letting himself into Keith's room, one slow afternoon. Keith is lying on his bed, scribbling something onto what seems to be a faded map, and while Lance is dying with curiosity about it, he decides it will have to wait. 

Keith hums noncommittally, likely a little disgruntled by the intrusion.

He lets himself flop down at the foot of the bed. "You know you can talk to me, right?" Silence. "Like, I don't know, about how miserable you've been lately." 

A strange look crosses Keith's face before he frowns. "I'm fine, Lance." He sits up next to him and stuffs his map under the bed.

"Alrighty!" Lance says cheerily. They sit in silence for a while. It's not unusual for them. Keith rarely talks much, and Lance whose thoughts are ever racing enjoys the quiet that somehow feels relaxing instead of unbearable. Keith has a way of making him feel more quiet, and it's so nice that it sometimes makes his chest hurt with how much he wants his calming presence around. Lance busies himself with labeling the pictures he took on his phone, so he can explain them better when he shows them to his family one day. 

“It’s just that I’m not sure if this is what I want," Keith says finally, as if continuing a previous conversation, and Lance's fingers still, but he doesn't look up. "Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I transitioned. I’m just not sure that the way I present myself is what I actually want. You know, when you paint my nails, it feels like I let go a little. I’m holding on so tight to this idea of who I thought I wanted to be when I was 16 or 17. I’m not sure it fits me anymore.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. I mean people change. You’re allowed to want different things,” Lance says thoughtfully, putting the phone down. “So then what do you want?”

“I don’t know,” Keith says, voice laced with frustration. They’re quiet for a while, Keith fidgeting with the zipper of his battered leather jacket. “Here’s the thing,” he says finally. “I know that gender can be fluid, or, or gender expression can be. I know that in theory. As long as it doesn’t concern me, personally. When it comes to my own gender the whole thing seems more black and white. At least it did until now. But now, I'm not so sure anymore.” The way he looks at Lance almost pleadingly, like he's afraid Lance will make fun of him, makes him want to reach out and hug him.

"So are you saying you're not sure you identify as a guy?" Lance asks carefully.

"No. I mean, I don't know. It's more like I'm losing sight of what being a guy even means. It's..." he runs a hand through his hair in frustration. 

"It's okay, take it easy, buddy," Lance says trying to sound calming.

Keith takes a deep breath. "So, you know how you're kind of femme?"

"Yeah," Lance nods encouragingly.

"And you identify as a boy." Keith's gnaws on his bottom lip.

"A man even," Lance quips and gets a snort in response. 

"It's like I'm holding myself up to this impossible standard. Being super buff, only wearing certain clothes, not allowing myself to do anything that could be seen as feminine and generally acting like one of those awful action heroes. I don't hold anyone else to that standard. I never questioned your masculinity, no matter how much of that glittery powder you wear on your face. But me, I limit myself so much." He runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "For example, do you know how we have that flowery shower gel that smells really nice, and then the other one that doesn't have a scent? I only ever use that one, because my stupid brain won't allow me to be chill about this whole thing for one second and just use the one I like." The words come out like a flood, and while Keith himself looks surprised at the outpouring of emotion, Lance gets a sense of relief, that he got all of this out. 

"Woah."

"I know, it's just small things, but..." Keith blushes

"Shut up, stuff like that is important," Lance interrupts him.

"Other people seem have this stuff all figured out. There was this older trans guy I knew, because he was a friend of Shiro's, and he seemed so comfortable in his own skin. And yeah, once I began transitioning, I felt so much better every day, but I still never felt as comfortable as him." He picks at his thumbnail.

"Dude, I'm by no means an expert, but I think that sort of thing just takes time. Like, for most of your life, you've had this body that didn't feel right. And you've only started looking and feeling like yourself relatively recently. You gotta give it more time."

Keith sighs. "Yeah, you're right. I forget that sometimes." 

"Besides, everyone feels not-so-great about themselves a lot of the time. I know it's hard to believe, but even I doubt myself."

Keith rolls his eyes, but he's smiling weakly.

"Seriously, if there's one thing space has taught me, then it's that no one has it all figured out, and once you solve one problem, the next one is sure to come along. But, trust me, we've been through worse. I'm confident you'll figure it out." Lance gives him, what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “Hey, maybe you should talk to Pidge about this. They totally know more about that stuff.”

Keith frowns. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.” He swallows and nods. “Yeah, okay. Thanks, Lance.” He goes back to fidgeting with his jacket.

It takes Lance a moment to catch on. “I mean, no!" Keith startles. "I mean," Lance struggles to come up with a coherent sentence, words shooting around in his brain. "You, don't have to. You can just talk to me instead."

"Lance, it's fine. I know this is all super weird, and you don't have to..." 

"No, Keith, I meant, maybe _we_ can talk to Pidge about this. I’m not trying to get rid of you.” He slings an arm around Keith's shoulders, and pulls him close, even though the other feels stiff in his embrace. “You’re right, this is all new to me. I’ve never had to deal with such conflicting feelings. I can’t really relate to you,” he shrugs. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

Keith relaxes a little and drops his head so his face is half buried in Lance’s chest, one arm coming around Lance’s waist and squeezing tight. “Thanks, Lance,” he mumbles. It just about kills Lance.

After a while Keith asks Lance if he feels like training with him, and Lance shrugs, so they end up going to the gym together, sparring until neither of them can move. 

 

The next morning Lance tentatively asks, if Keith wants to talk to Pidge now, but only gets a non-committal “Later, maybe.” After that their days are a blur of fighting battles, saving planets and forging new alliances. Keith seems to throw himself into the war fully, with a focus Lance has always admired. His eyes glow with intensity, he keeps his sentences short to a minimum and generally kicks ass. Everything else seems to disappear for Keith when he is focused, and Lance has no idea how he does it, his own thoughts always a jumble, his attention flicking from one distraction to the next. Keeping his concentration is such an effort for Lance it exhausts him, and even though he is getting better, he knows it will always be a struggle.

After days of fighting and barely getting any rest, it’s becoming too much, his senses are overstimulated by the constant action. By the time the battles are won, another planet saved, he has reached the point where he can’t even rest anymore. He feels jittery from a fight nearly lost, and from being beyond exhausted.

They’re having to sit through Allura and Coran holding a diplomatic meeting with the planet’s officials, and he can’t seem to stop his leg from jiggling. He knows it’s annoying, but he can't sit still. Somehow it feels grounding, while setting everyone around him on edge. Hunk finally clamps a hand down on Lance’s knee, and that helps a little, until he gets used to the sensation and starts feeling antsy again. Keith watches him, a frown on his face, and Lance can’t tell if he’s actually annoyed, or if that is just his neutral expression. What he does know is that if he doesn’t get up from this stupid chair, and leave this stupid meeting, he’s going to explode. When it's finally over, he jumps up so fast everyone turns to stare at him, but he doesn’t care, he walks right out of the room, through the vast corridors of the parliament they’re currently in. He can tell that someone is following him, but he doesn’t turn around to see who. He doesn’t need to. Keith catches up with him, as he’s swinging open the doors of the ornate mint green building.

“Lance, where are you going?”

Lance holds the door open for him. “For a walk, I feel like exploring the planet we just saved. See those hills over there?” He points to three hills, all covered in thick purple plants, growing on jagged pink rock. “The locals said I should check it out.”

“Lance, we’ve barely slept or eaten in days, I don’t think a hike is a great idea right now.” They’ve come to a stop at bottom of the parliament’s stairs. The whole world is tinted orange from the setting sun. Lance refuses to let it make his heart ache for home.

“Oh, yeah? Since when are you Mr. Responsible?” he asks.

Keith glares at him. “Lance, you look like shit.” Lance is about to say something snarky, even mean in return, when Keith continues. “How about this: we return our lions to the castle, and if you still feel like walking after that, I’ll come with you to those stupid hills.”

“Fine,” Lance says snippily. Keith nods curtly, and they start making their way through the city to where they left the lions.  
Lance severely misjudged how far they would have to walk. As they weave through the crowd of purple, and lavender coloured aliens, he feels more and more anxious. At one point he loses sight of Keith for a moment and panics so much that when he finds him again, he presses close to his side, too exhausted to feign nonchalance. Keith shoots him a worried glance, but Lance keeps his eyes ahead, trying to navigate the narrow streets. It’s too much, the colours, the people, the noise of traffic and aliens yelling in languages he doesn’t even begin to understand. Anxiety begins to constrict his throat and he struggles to catch his breath. He knows they’re almost at the lions now, but he can’t help the panic rising in his chest. Keith calls his name, but he can’t seem to respond. He thinks he’s going to spiral into a full blown panic attack, when suddenly Keith’s hand is in his. The skin contact shocks him enough for him to zero in on it, and focus on Keith pulling him through the crowd and towards the lions. He keeps his eyes on their joined hands and lets himself be led to Red. Keith turns to him.

“Are you good to fly, or do you want to ride with me?”

Lance shakes his head “I’m good. I just need to get out of here,” he says meekly, his breaths coming fast, his heart erratic. He’s grateful that Keith just nods, and leaves to board Black, instead of pointing out how Lance was going to "explore the planet" just minutes ago.

He climbs into Red and lets her do all the work, flying them back to the Castle of Lions. When they dock and he climbs back out, Keith is already there, helmet in his hands, his hair a sweaty mess and Lance almost cries with how good it feels to be back here with him. They don’t talk, taking off their armour, not bothering to clean it or put it into the proper cases. When they’re done, Keith takes Lance’s hand again leading them to Lance’s room. He doesn’t let go, until they’re at the door.

“You gonna get some sleep?” he asks.

Lance shakes his head. “I can’t. Not like this, I’m too”, he gesticulates, looking for the right words, “...hyped. Can we just hang out in your room?”  
Oh god, he's being selfish, Keith is probably dead tired. "I mean, no, it's fine. You should get some rest."

"Sleep is for the weak," Keith smirks and Lance is so, so grateful to know him.

 

They flop down on Keith's bed, and the buzzing feeling in Lance's limbs is still there, but it's beginning to calm down. "Can I braid your hair?" he asks.

"Absolutely the fuck not," Keith grumbles, but it's without heat. 

Lance sticks his tongue out at him, and he knows he's being bratty, but he's tired and his brain feels weird, and nothing is making any sense.

He lets himself slide down onto his side, and resists the urge to bury his nose in the blanket. Even like this Keith's scent is all around him, and it's comforting, even if it makes his heart ache a little.   
"Mn, I think your bed is softer than mine," he mumbles. 

Keith snorts. "All the beds are the same, genius."

"Oh yeah? Have you checked?" Lance asks, wiggling his eyebrows, but since one is mushed against the sheets, the effect is slightly lost. Keith rolls his eyes, but he looks amused. "'S not fair," Lance goes on. The fatigue is really beginning to settle in now, keeping his eyes open is a struggle. "I have to test it though, sorry, I'm going to crash here tonight." 

"Are you trying to get me to switch rooms with you?" Keith asks suspiciously. "Because, no way." 

"Of course not, I'm graciously allowing you to stay." 

"Thanks," Keith says wryly.

Lance looks up at him, through heavy eye lids. "Seriously, though, do you mind if I stay?" he asks. If Keith says no, he'll go without arguing. He's extremely tired, but he could very well drag himself to his own room. The thing is though that he doesn't want to. Keith's presence is grounding and calming, no matter how much they fight, and rile each other up, being around Keith makes him feel more focused. Any other night Lance would be able to tear himself away, would deny himself the comfort Keith provides, but after all the fighting, all the fear he needs it.

"Fine, stay. I'll just sleep in your room tonight," Keith says finally.

"What? No, just sleep here." Lance can't tell if it's the fatigue that's making him reckless, or if he feels bolder because the two have been growing closer lately, but he reaches out, and tugs Keith down to lie next to him. For a moment it feels like Keith is going to pull away, but then he relaxes and rolls over to face Lance. He opens his mouth to say something, before closing it again and shaking his head in exasperation. "What?" Lance asks, knowing he won't get a response. 

"Nothing, shut up and sleep." Keith gets up again to turn off the light, while Lance climbs under the blanket and holds it up for Keith. They both turn to face away from each other, but the bed is too small to leave any space between them, their backs pressing together in comfortable warmth. Lance feels guilty for about two minutes, because Keith is willingly sharing his bed with him, not knowing that Lance maybe, definitely kind of likes him, before his exhaustion hits fully and he gives in to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a nightmare to write, honestly, I've had this in my drafts for so long and I'm really unhappy with how it turned out lol  
> how do you feel about this being from Lance's POV?
> 
> comments and kudos keep me going. <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it's been a while...but here it is, I hope you like it

Lance wakes up to something tickling his face. It takes him a few moments to get his eyes open. When he does, he's faced with thick black hair, the back of a head, and as he slowly wakes up, he realises that it is Keith curled up on his side, his head resting below Lance's chin.   
Lance wishes he could see Keith's face, but if he moves, he might wake him.  
He has just decided to close his eyes again and try to enjoy the feeling of the other's body curled up next to him, when it hits him why they're in this situation in the first place. He immediately feels his face flush, his heart rate goes up, and his stomach twists uncomfortably. Oh god, he was so needy and stupid last night. Keith practically had to babysit him, and make him go to bed, and then Lance even begged him to share a bed with him. Keith probably thinks he's childish and selfish and pathetic and weak and dumb and... Lance takes a deep breath. No. They're friends. Last night Lance needed a friend and Keith was there for him and if the roles had been reversed Lance would have done the same. He doesn't need to apologise to Keith for the way he acted, nor does he need to feel ashamed. This is who they are. There are no debts to be repaid, no excuses to be made, because this is friendship, and sometimes it's okay to let go and let yourself be cared for. The understanding of their relationship blooms in Lance's chest like a flower. There's still a nagging voice in his head declaring that Keith would never let himself be so weak, but Lance manages to quiet it to a whisper, focusing instead on Keith's steady breaths. 

The sight of Keith's stupid hair, the curve of his back beneath the blanket is at once so familiar and so foreign. It's strange how they have traveled to the ends of the universe, fought the Galra, and saved entire civilisations, yet Lance has no idea what goes on in Keith's head most of the time, no idea what he dreams about at night, if he dreams at all. It is not something he has thought about before, but in the intimacy of the moment he can't help but feel that he doesn't know the other boy all that well. For all their recent closeness there is still so much that both of them are keeping close to their hearts, so much they leave unsaid.  
It's not only the grand, important, heavy secrets that Lance wishes to share and bear together, it's also the small mundane things he feels he has yet to learn. In this moment he knows he would be willing to. This could be their lives. They would wake up next to each other every day, slowly learning each other's habits and idiosyncrasies. Lance would come to know what each tiny gesture meant, what lay behind each frown and eyebrow quirk, would learn to read and speak Keith's language until they were so in-sync that there were no insecurities, no uncertainties and no misunderstandings left between them. Lance would study him vigorously until it was no longer a mystery how he could make Keith smile or laugh his rare but beautiful laugh, until he could figure out how to make him happy. Keith would learn to trust him, to allow Lance to get close without having to doge and break down several defense-mechanisms before he could reach Keith's heart. They would wake with their limbs entangled, with Keith's face nuzzled against Lance's chest and one hand splayed against his hipbone. They would hold hands on strange planets, and make-out in the training room. Lance would know the right things to say, when to be quiet. Keith wouldn't hesitate to touch him, and his first reaction to Lance reaching out would not be to tense up, but to lean into it.   
Lance's chest aches as his mind spins an idealised version of their lives. He needs to snap out of it. At the end of the day they are who they are. Lance is loudmouthed and insecure and Keith is brash and withdrawn, and as much as Lance yearns for this world where there are no flaws, no obstacles, no bruised egos, this is the version he gets, and this is the boy he fell in love with. It's a realisation so crystal clear, so painful that he feels as though he has been submerged in ice-cold water, only to emerge with his clothes sodden and his heart heavy with the knowledge of his feelings. 

In the end there's nothing Lance can do but wait. He's trapped between Keith and the wall, and there is no way in hell he's waking the other up, when he seems to be resting so peacefully, no matter how much he itches to go for a long walk through the castle that will allow him to compartmentalise his feelings and never look at them again. As he waits, his heart beat slows and he settles down again. Might as well try to take a nap. He is about to doze off again, when he hears Keith breathe in sharply, and feels his head snapping up, lightly catching Lance's chin in the process. He opens his eyes and comes face to face with Keith blinking in confusion, sleep still clinging to him, before he relaxes. "Oh. Forgot where I was for a second." His voice sounds rough and he has morning breath, and Lance doesn't even mind, and yeah, he is so screwed. Keith puts his head back down for a moment, yawning and rubbing his face against the mattress in a cat-like manner, before resurfacing and sitting up against the wall. Lance props himself up on one elbow, unsure of what to say until his eyes settle on Keith's hair. He snorts and starts pointing out how much it's sticking up in all directions, when Keith waves a hand at him. "Don't say it. You have pillow creases on your cheek." Lance lets himself fall back down. Under other circumstances this would lead to a shoving match, a pillow fight, an actual argument even, but right now it feels wrong to horse around like that. Even punching Keith in the arm, or jabbing his sides feels too intimate, so Lance pretends to be tired and shoves his face into the pillow. "You sleep okay?" Keith asks.

"Yeah," Lance props himself up again. "Thanks for letting me stay." Keith nods curtly in response. They're quiet, and Lance wonders if this is his cue to leave, but then there's nothing about this situation that suggests he shouldn't be here. Besides, this is Keith, he would not be afraid to throw Lance out. Lance has come to appreciate this brashness, a quality that used to irritate him, still does on some days, but that he's starting to cherish. 

"I think I want to talk to Pidge today ." There it is again. No preamble, no hedging, right to the point. 

Lance sits up. This is a conversation that demands sitting up. He moves to lean against the opposite wall, his legs still covered by the blanket occasionally brushing against Keith's as he settles in.  
"Okay. Do you want me to be there?"

Keith nods, his features tense now, all sleepiness gone.

"Okay. Hey, it's worth a try, right? Get a different perspective, and all that." He smiles winningly.

"Yeah." It comes out tight. 

They're quiet for a while. "I think, deep down I already..." Keith is cut off by the door opening and Shiro sticking is head in.

"Keith, are you - oh. Hi, Lance!" Shiro's eyes widen briefly, before they soften. Lance gives a little wave in response, and thanks the universe that this scene looks relatively innocent.

"I'm just checking in with you, because you guys just disappeared last night, we were a little worried." Lance's throat tightens at the memory of what a mess he'd been the previous night. He knows he should say something, this situation is awkward enough as it is, but he can't seem to get past the lump in in his throat. Surprisingly it's Keith who breaks the silence.

"Lance was feeling ill, so we returned to the Castle as soon as the meeting was over." Keith and Shiro exchange a look that Lance can't interpret, a conversation seemingly passing between the two: Keith's face a look of reassurance, and Shiro's something Lance can't decipher. 

"Oh, well, how are you feeling today, Lance?" Shiro asks finally, the question honest and full of concern.

"I'm much better, thanks." 

 "I'm glad. Well, we're not in too much of a rush today, everyone has been working so hard lately...but when you're ready, we're going to have a debriefing. Take your time though." And with that he's gone.

Much to Lance's surprise, they do take their time. The previous conversation is laid aside in favour of more lighthearted topics. It turns out they were both obsessed with the same comics as kids. Usually it's difficult to find something Earth-related they're both comfortable talking about, as Keith doesn't have many good memories of their home planet and while Lance has plenty, thinking about them makes his heart hurt too much. On this particular morning, however, Lance finds they're making it work more smoothly than ever. It's a complicated dance around things that are too painful to discuss, but it's one they're becoming increasingly good at. Their legs keep bumping under the blanket and Lance's stomach feels warm. 

Eventually the desire to shower and have breakfast wins over the rare comfort of staying in bed, and Lance goes back to his room to get ready for the day. The debriefing takes place over breakfast and is followed by some reluctant strategising and planning. Lance can tell that no one thinks they're actually going to follow any of their plans, because that's not how any of this has worked so far. They're all fully expecting to be jolted into a rescue mission, a run-in with hostile Galra, or some other space-fuckery. But maybe this is what they need after the stress of the past few days, the illusion of control.

It's not until after dinner that Lance and Keith manage to get Pidge alone. They're in their room, tinkering away at what appears to be a miniature version of the green lion. 

"Hey, Pidgerino!" Lance says cheerfully.

"No."

"Hope we're not intruding," Lance says, dragging Keith with him into the room.

"You are," comes the sullen response.

"But we were wondering if you had a moment to help us?" When Pidge finally looks up, Lance gives them his most winning smile. They only glare in response. Sure, they can be kind of intimidating, but they're not nearly as scary as they think they are, sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing fluffy slippers and a soft green hoodie, while working on an action figure of a giant robotic lion. 

"What did you break, and no, I don't care whose fault it was, just get to the point." They put the figurine down with a resigned expression and look expectantly between Lance and Keith. For a 16 year-old they sure can be patronising. 

"Nothing is broken, though that reminds me, my sink has been kind of..."

"Lance," Keith growls. 

"Oh, right, sorry. So we were wondering if maybe we could talk to you. It's kind of personal." Pidge raises an eyebrow. "So, uh," Lance sits down on the floor next to them. "Dude, come on, sit." Keith reluctantly sits next to him, his arms crossed, all softness from this morning gone, and replaced by the sharp edges Lance knows so well from when he used to stare at Keith across the cafeteria at the Garrison. 

"He doesn't look like he wants to talk," Pidge notes, eyebrows furrowed at Keith.

"Oh, no, trust me, he's fine," Lance waves them off. "Are we doing this, or what?" He looks to Keith, looks him right in the eyes and for a moment everything stops. Then Keith nods once. "Right." 

Explaining the situation to Pidge is awkward and stilted. Lance doesn't want to speak for Keith, because it's not his story to tell, but it soon becomes clear that Keith has no intention of saying more than two sentences consecutively, so it falls to Lance to do most of the talking. He tries to keep it short and explain the problem as distanced from Keith as possible, without including too much personal information. It's hard to keep his thoughts from derailing, but Keith keeps nudging him in the right direction, and Pidge is fast on the uptake, so he manages to get to the point relatively quickly. 

"So now you want my hot take on this?" they ask when Lance is done. He and Keith nod. "Well, I kind of feel like the opposite of all that. Let me think." They scrunch up their face and push up their glasses. "Hmm, so I'm non-binary, and to me gender never made that much sense to begin with. I just never understood how I could firmly belong to any gender, never mind the whole girl-boy thing. I don't know if that makes any sense, but at school for example, when teachers were like 'you girls do this, and the boys do that' I felt really detached from both groups? I didn't feel addressed either way." Lance nods.   
"Then I read about non-binary being a thing and pretty soon I realised that that's the word I'd been looking for to describe who I am. I don't want to be seen as either or, I want to be seen as me, which is to say, I am neither a girl nor a boy, I am me."

"Okay, but here's what I don't get, and I'm sorry, this is probably a dumb question, but doesn't everyone want to be seen as just them? Like, no one wants to be seen as just a boy or a girl," Lance blurts.

"No, it's okay. You're right, of course, everyone wants to be seen for who they are, and not be written off as just their gender. It's just that we live in a society where gender has a lot to do with how you act, how you express yourself, what you wear, what you do, how you talk. And there's people who fit nicely into the category boy, or girl, and that's cool. And then there's people who don't fit into either category, who don't feel like they're either one of those things, and I'm one of them. In a world where you, Lance identify comfortably as a boy, it should be just as valid for me to say, no, I don't feel like that, nor do I feel like a girl. I'm in a different category."

"Yeah, alright that makes sense," Lance nods. "But then, hold up, that sort of implies that girls and boys have to act in certain ways, but then not all girls and all boys are the same. Like Shiro and I are two very different kinds of guys, but we're still both guys."

"That's because gender is not real, it's just a construct, and everything is confusing," Keith bursts out, startling both Lance and Pidge, who grins after a moment.

"You got that right, buddy. Except it's kind of totally real, because we as humanity have been thinking this way for ages. It has shaped the way we see the world and the way we see ourselves. Doesn't mean it makes sense, doesn't make it any less confusing, sure. Here's the thing though: gender is super conflicting and often seems to have no laws or rules, but that's a good thing! It means everyone gets to have their own definition of what gender means to them. And yeah, not everyone will agree with that, but who cares?"

"But then how do I decide what kind of man I want to be? I used to think being a man was this really specific thing, but if there are no rules..." Keith trails off.

"I think it's mostly about what feels right. I go by my gut feeling, not by whether or not something is girly or manly," Pidge explains. Keith hums, looking unconvinced. 

"Yeah, okay. I need to think about that a little. Thanks, Pidge." He gets up, and leaves the room, not waiting for Lance.

"Thanks, Pidger, you're a champ." Lance makes finger guns at them, before hastily following Keith outside. He catches up with him just as Keith rounds the corner to the hallway that leads to the training deck. "Hey, buddy, you okay?"

"Yeah. That was a lot to take in. I seriously need to think though. Could you leave me be alone for a while?" 

"Of course. I'm here if you need me." Lance tries not to feel hurt at being shut out. He knows that this is how Keith works, he needs time alone and the fact that he asked, instead of just disappearing on Lance means that he cares. After Keith leaves, Lance considers going back to Pidge to bother them, but eventually decides to hang out with Hunk in the kitchen. 

He doesn't see Keith for the rest of the night. Not even when he knocks on his bedroom door to get a shirt he left there last night. He finds the room empty and the bed untouched. 

It's not until the next day at around noon that he gets to see him at an obligatory team meeting. The bags under his eyes look worse than usual, and his hair is sticking up wildly.  
It is decided that the Castle of Lions is going to visit a potentially helpful database on an uninhabited planet's moon. The mission is relatively uneventful, but frustratingly the database is terribly outdated and no longer the hub for political intelligence, that Coran remembered it as. By the end of it, everyone is tired and a little annoyed, and though no one says it out loud, they all feel as though they are aimlessly floating through space, with no real plans to go by. 

When Lance stops by Keith's room that night, he finds it empty again. He could probably find him, if he wanted to, but Keith said he needed time alone, so Lance forces himself to go to bed instead. 

The next day there's an attack in the early morning hours, and half the team is still in their pyjamas. Keith is wearing the same clothes as yesterday and Lance doubts he ever went to bed. The fight is over quickly, but it is followed by the tedious work of trying to find out, how the enemy ship found them in the first place. Was the moon they went to a trap? Have they been followed? Who else knows where they are? Castle data needs to be checked, mission reports need to be looked over, and alliance members need to be contacted. It's exhausting and morale is low. They could seriously do with a win right about now. 

That night Lance goes to bed late. Everyone stayed up discussing strategies, and going through old logs, until they decided it was useless, and they all retired to their rooms. Lance has just settled into bed, when he hears a knock on his door and Keith trudges in looking disheveled. 

"You okay, buddy?" Lance asks after Keith has made himself comfortable on one corner of the bed, his legs pulled up to his chin. 

"Yeah. I've been trying to make sense of everything, and I feel like I've had some breakthroughs, but then again everything is super complicated, and at this point I'm just running in circles in my own head." His voice sounds rough and tired. 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not now. I need sleep." And with that he slides down onto the bed, and curls up on his side. 

"Do..." Lance's heart stutters a moment. "Do you want to sleep here?"

"Well, yeah, I thought my intention was clear," comes the muffled response. 

"Asshole. Well go change into your pjs."

"Too tired."

"Keith Kogane, you will not sleep in my bed in your day clothes, I swear to god, do you even wash those stupid skinny jeans ever?" 

 

When Keith returns a few minutes later, he's wearing pyjamas, fidgeting with his sleeves. Lance bites back a smile and makes room on the bed.   
  
They settle in on their sides facing each other and Lance can't help but notice dark rings under Keith's eyes. They're always there, Keith never seems to get much sleep, but right now they seem even worse.   
"You look terrible, you know?" he says.

"Just let me sleep, Lance." His voice is quiet and a little rough and the way he says his name just about kills Lance. Keith doesn't quite shut his eyes, Lance can see them move under the eyelids, searching for something, observing something - observing, Lance realises, his hand that is mindlessly, restlessly playing with the hem of the blanket. He wills his fingers to stop.

"I can't fall asleep on my side," he says. 

"You didn't seem to have trouble with that the other night," Keith says so quietly it's almost lost in the space between them. 

"I was so tired I would have fallen asleep standing up given the opportunity," Lance says more vehemently than necessary. 

"Fine."

Lance tries to roll over on his back, which is awkward, because he almost slams his shoulder into Keith's face, and this bed is seriously not big enough for two people. Whoever designed the Castle clearly did not intend for paladins to have company; never mind for two paladins to be sharing a bed.   
Eventually they manage to settle down, turn off the light and get somewhat comfortable, though Lance can tell neither of them is relaxed and his stomach feels tense. 

"You can," his heart beats so loudly he can barely hear his own voice, "lay your arm across my chest, if that's more comfortable."

"Okay." He doesn't move. Lance can feel his heart sink. Well, he was just being polite and accommodating, it's fine, whatever. Several minutes pass in silence, and Lance is beginning to wonder if Keith has fallen asleep (it's hard to tell, because he's being so quiet, Lance can barely hear him breathe), when slowly, surprisingly Keith moves his arm to rest across his rib cage under the blanket. Lance tries to calm his heart beat, because holy shit, Keith will feel it and know how nervous he is, while also mentally rolling his eyes, because of course Keith had to wait to do as Lance suggested, that stubborn dork. 

It takes a long time for Lance to fall asleep. Keith keeps shifting, his arm and fingers tense at first, until he finally relaxes a little. Lance can tell he is still awake, and he does his best to lie still. When he does fall asleep, Keith seems to be awake still, and the last coherent thought Lance has, is worry that Keith won't be able to sleep for another night. 

He wakes in the early hours of their day-cycle. The lights are still dim and he can just make out the shape of Keith's body curled up and facing away from him. He tries not to move, so as not to disturb Keith, but the other wakes up regardless, as soon as Lance shifts slightly. Keith rolls over to face him and he looks like he barely slept at all. 

"Hey," Lance says softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Hey," Keith rasps, his voice tight. His breaths sound shallow.

"I'm so tired, Lance," his voice shakes and it makes Lance's chest hurt.

"It's okay, go back to sleep, it's super early."

"No, I mean I'm so tired of trying to figure this whole thing out."

"Oh."

"And the last two days were...horrible." Keith shakes his head. "I couldn't sleep, and I changed my mind about how I felt like a hundred times a day, and nothing made any sense anymore, and it freaked me out so bad, and I..." he sighs, "I really missed you." He lowers his chin not meeting Lance's eyes.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You don't have to tell me, but why didn't you come to me sooner?" Lance asks calmly, even though he feels like someone ran a burning hot laser right through his heart.

"I have to figure this out for myself. I can't just rely on other people for help. I mean, I failed anyway," he gives a bitter laugh. 

"Keith, you haven't failed."  
  
"But I have! Look at me, I'm a fucking mess, who can't even think about gender anymore without pretty much getting a panic attack."

"Keith, please. Listen to me. You are going to figure this out. You haven't failed, this is just one stop in your journey." 

"But I can't. I've tried, but I can't." His voice sounds close to tears and he is shaking.

"Yeah, because you tried on your own."

"But if I can't figure this out for myself...I'm such a failure."

"Keith, buddy. I have some news for you: you have to figure this out for yourself anyway. No one can do that for you. But that doesn't mean you should isolate yourself and be alone with your thoughts all the time, because that's getting you nowhere." The shaking slows a little and Keith finally meets his eyes.  
"You don't have to be alone while you figure this out. You don't even have to mention what you're working through to anyone, if you don't want to, but let us be there for you. You shouldn't lose sight of the fact that the whole team cares so, so much about you, no matter how you identify. They see you for who you are, no matter what and they all want you to be happy." Keith's eyes are wet with tears, but he doesn't blink them away.  
"And, well, I'm pretty sure you know how I feel about you," Lance says quietly. Keith fully starts to cry at that and Lance is a little taken aback, because he could never have foreseen this reaction, no matter how vividly he had pictured telling Keith how he felt. This was probably a bad time to do it, but then Keith pulls him into a bone crushing embrace and presses his face into Lance's chest and Lance can't help but hug back just as tightly. They stay like that for a long while, as Keith sobs quietly and Lance whispers soothing words.

 

* * *

 

When they wake up, Keith's eyes are still a little red, his smile is still a little pained, but he doesn't shy away when Lance reaches for his hand. They have breakfast together and when Shiro asks Keith if he's okay he says "No, but I think I will be." In the afternoon Keith disappears off with Shiro and when he returns his brow is a little less furrowed. 

That night Keith and Lance go to bed together, no questions asked. They're both tired of playing games, tired of walking on eggshells. 

"You know, I think I don't need a make-over, but I need to let go a little in day to day life." They're nestled together in Keith's bed, legs tangled tentatively, and faces so close their noses are nearly touching and Lance can feel Keith's breath on his skin. "I need to stop questioning every single action I make. I'm me, and I'm a man. What I do is manly no matter what, and that's the truth."  


Lance nods, his nose brushing against Keith's cheek. "You got this."

 

"Yeah, I do," Keith smirks and Lance has never felt luckier in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y e e that's it kiddos, I hope you liked it!  
> isn't it fun when all you want to do is write a straight-forward chapter, but it turns into an Introspective Mess? (because nothing you do is ever straight apparently?)
> 
> comments and kudos give me life pls
> 
> you can find me on tumblr as twin-skeleton-vibes come say hi!


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